THE STORY BEHIND
BRICKS

I am a first born child, with a late in life diagnosis of ADD, Anxiety, Major Depression and a strong suggestion that I could be on the autism spectrum.  

As I reflect on my childhood, I remember being in trouble a lot.  Regularly getting sent to my room, waiting for my discipline.  

When I watch home videos, I hear the constant frustration & irritation in the adult's voices.  

I have core memories where family members, friends or teachers have labeled me or criticized me for missing social cues, asking too many questions or just struggling to understand. 

Before my diagnosis & treatment, I remember feeling hatred & loathing toward myself.  I disliked the person I was; the talkative little girl, the over-excited child, the rebellious black sheep.  I had a strong sense for justice, curiosity & compassion, but constantly felt misunderstood.  

After my diagnosis, with the help of proper medication & good therapy, I started to realize that I had experienced some of humanity's worst fears & insecurities, through the words that my community choose to label me with. 

Through research, therapy & general practice, I began to realize that, as a child, I had been treated poorly by other humans (including my loved ones).  I didn’t know enough about life to know that they were just adults in pain, and as a result,  I wasn’t taught that my differences are what made me valuable and unique.  

As soon as I began school, I was being bullied.  

I'd come home and be met with 'tough love' parenting. 

I spent a lot of time, grounded, in my room, waiting for a spanking or grounding.  

As I got older, I found myself infatuated with any young boy who treasured me… (wonder why??).  

As these young boys realized I was gullible and insecure, they began to bully & use me.

As my parents watched me make these choices & connections, they used criticism & discipline in an effort to correct my choices. This just caused me to be more rebellious & curious; This is when I began to fight to choose for myself. 

In high school, I continued to look for a place where I belong.  I fell into music, but the music kids never accepted me & bullied me for being different.  The burn out kids were the only ones who accepted me as I was, but they all had struggles & hard lives of their own.  

I had 'girl friends' who were always trying to 'pretty me up' or make me more girly.  

…. I always felt like an outsider even though I was surrounded by people who claimed to care for me. 

Therapy has taught me that, I was surrounded by humans who weren't being thoughtful with their actions & words.  My diagnosis taught me that I was prone to take things too literally, have a strong sense of justice, struggle against authority when they don’t give me choice or help me understand; and I spent my years looking to be accepted & validated by other humans.   

I had been exposed to so many negatives and so few positives, that my brain had been programmed to Hate Myself.  

My therapist suggested that I try to find healthy & kind people to surround myself with.  With healthy relationships, comes healthy conversation and support.  These positive interactions are required for changing any internal narrative.

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Now, as I continue growing & healing, I can recognize when people are projecting their own traumas & emotions onto me.  I'm beginning to recognize when someone is operating from a place of fear or jealousy.

But I still struggle, everyday, with feeling like I am always the problem.  I still tend to judge & gaslight myself heavily and I still struggle to like myself, in general.  

This is why, I believe passionately in the power of words, the frequency that resonates through connection…. And this I why, I will always choose positive.